3 Baby Poems
Juggling
A juggler seeking rest
must never begin
juggling.
A juggler juggling
rests juggling
never seeking.
After Eating Squab
If I come back as a pigeon,
at least I won’t have
to live very long,
although I suspect
I might want to—all that flying after all!
Which of these 2 versions of "Softer Now" works better?
1.) Softer Now
When you lose something which defines you
as you knew yourself, a cloud obscures more
than may have shone so brightly it never was
much of anything more than a small part
of the entire learning, all to you, once
lost it looms for a time valuable as life itself,
guitar out front of its combo riffing
softer now bass bumping drums brushing
scratching out a wistful smile—reminded
you fall smoothly into nodding tempo.
2.) Softer Now
When you lose something which defines you
as you knew yourself, a cloud obscures more
than may have shone so brightly it never was
much of anything more than a small part
of the entire learning, then little by little,
guitar out front of its combo riffing
softer now bass bumping drums brushing
scratching out a wistful smile, thus informed,
you swing smoothly into easy nodding tempo.
See "Erica" in The Harrow
4th SoCoCo Poetry Reading
Friends of Bill Vartnaw
Thursday December 6th
7:30 PM
Sonoma Coffee Company
Santa Rosa-Free Admission
(Jack Crimmins)
Sonoma County Poet Ed Coletti invites you to a
reading by 6 poets including
Jack Crimmins,
Bill Vartnaw
Jeanne Powell, Nancy Wakeman,
Geri DiGiorno, and Q.R. Hand, Jr.
First SoCoCo Reading of 2008 will include James Tracy, Cameron McHenry, Ed Coletti, David Madgalene, Ananda Esteva, and bSue Stephenson on Thursday February 7th, 2008.
Comment Here on any of the above or below and read the comments of others too. Log in under "Nickname" or "Anonymous" if you like, but please be sure to sign some facsimile of your name. Actual name is best, but use what you like. Or email me at edcoletti@sbcglobal.net.
http://jimspitzerart.com
3 comments:
I like "softer now"
version 2
with the "little by little"
the vowel rhyme with the next line
and works well
with the triple 'ing words
i like the choice of "reminded" in
version 1 better though
at the end.
--ray
Dear Ed,
Please see the attached in response to your question:
Softer Now
When you lose something which defines you/
As you think you know yourself, a cloud obscures/
More than may have shone so brightly; it never was/
Much of anything more than a small part/
Of what passed to you for learning.Once/
Lost it looms for a time most valuable*, then little by little,/
Guitar out front of its combo riffing/
Softer now bass bumping drums brushing/
Scratching out a wistful smile - redefined/
You fall smoothly into nodding tempo
Cheers,
Joe B.
Dear Joe,
Nice rewrite. I'll print out the 3 versions together and live with each until I choose one or an amalgam. Yours certainly is a good option. I really appreciate your effort and skill. This also validates my experiment in inviting the world to help. I may do more such.
Gratefully,
Ed
PS This "comment" interface apparently does not permit long lines, so your version now appears with slashes where you've ended each line. Thanks. ejc.
Post a Comment